The moon sails with surprising haste through the skies, if you’ve ever just sat and watched her. She’s covered mostly in shadow tonight. The night is unusually quiet for a Friday, and smells of smoke. Time has been speeding along at a breathless pace this entire year, compounding the occasional incomprehension with which I view the sunderings of the last year.
I didn’t sleep well the previous two nights, and made up for it with a long night of sleep, waking up for breakfast, sitting on the couch to read the Bible, and promptly falling back asleep for two more hours. I took a vaccine and a flu shot yesterday for work, and will blame them for what I would otherwise deem profuse slothfulness.
My sister and the Professor have separately suggested it’s situational depression. By and large, I would dismiss those theories. Staying occupied has been a necessary challenge, but I’ve met it. Yesterday I went to a committee hearing at the state capitol. It’s been my issue for years, so I sat back and let others actually speak. Sometimes I worry that politics lures me the way it does, and question the motives behind it. I would like to be happy and fulfilled at what I do, but the motive for that happiness matters just as much.
People think they would be happy if they didn’t have to struggle in life. But utopia for human beings would be abominably dull in the end. We were made to struggle and take fulfillment and satisfaction from the fight. I’ll be glad to reenter the workplace struggle…it can be hard to be working amongst such sorrow and suffering, but to be nonproductive is itself challenging.
I joined the Ente’s for dinner again last night. Tonight, Alegfast and Galadbrui invited me to dinner. I declined (thinking of the cost) but then learnt the philharmonic was performing tonight, and promptly purchased a ticket costing twice as much. I joined them afterwards to watch a movie, and Alegfast and I talked alone for a solid hour afterwards. The house he designed for himself is startlingly fetching and unique.
I don’t know why, really. Why would a body subject himself to yet another concert alone? For the music? For the romance? For you? (Fornwyn and I once agreed our ideal day would involve hiking and a symphony.) My sister once theorized that we subject ourselves to painful memories or experiences to have control over triggering the longing and loneliness.
I could scarcely keep from laughing at myself, for to look around the room reveals only heads that are graying or bald. I may be the youngest person in the room, but surely the youngest single person in the room. Unless you count those three boys many rows down with what must be their grandmother, doubtless trying to subject them to culture. I ask myself again why established events like this don’t add a brief Singles-themed aspect to it, whether a mingling event or grouped seating. Venues want to fill single seats, and people with taste in the arts would like to socialize with the like-minded, wouldn’t they?
There’s another concert tomorrow night, and then a Broadway tour show just across the river on Sunday. And as a few of the bitter and unloving souls have taught me, there’s no sense in putting my life on hold simply because you aren’t here to share it.
The lights dim, the conductor enters, the music begins. It’s Beethoven. I think of nothing but you. Music blows the dust off hard-to-reach spots of my heart. Tonight it seems to stir more of the fallen past than the hopeful future. (I don’t know if it’s more accurate to say I am hopeful for the future, or merely patient for it.)
You hear people say “I can’t picture my life without you in it.” But right now I can’t picture you in it. If I’m being honest, I don’t need you in my life. I can wrangle this life just fine on my own, and I’m doing a bang-up job at it. But where’s the fun in that? I’ve proven I can create a stable and satisfying life. I personally don’t take as much satisfaction in it, as I’ve enumerated on multiple occasions, but I’ve proven it. It would be an amazing life for the right woman, pending what you can add to make it even better. The question “why are you still single?” gets more complicated every year. Perhaps there is hope yet to find a woman who can take my breath away. I haven’t lost hope Darling, not all of it. But there’s only so long one can stoke alone the fires that require the labors of two.
Last night I crawled into bed and for some reason expected you to be there.
It’s awfully hard to love from so far away. And here the clock so hasty to remind me of lost time. And you, like the sleepy town near Alegfast’s house, like the country road between, like this city itself, are heedless in slumber of the feeble fervency raging just inside this little second-story apartment.
Whoever you are, and wherever, I remain yours very sincerely.